There and Back Again

As the child of Guatemalan immigrant parents who were evangelical Christians, I grew up always knowing about God. I was taught Bible stories and listened to Spanish coritos (Spanish gospel music), but I never fully grasped the true meaning of faith. We attended Church on and off, but I always felt disconnected from the message because I had difficulty understanding the churches in Spanish. I also felt like an outcast. I was shy and a tomboy. I didn’t consider myself a girly girl. At the time, I didn’t feel like I was what I thought to be a “feminine” girl, and I remember questioning if I wanted to be a mom someday. Despite this, a few of my favorite core memories growing up are reading Jack Chick chick cartoon booklets, my grandma singing “Los Niños Son De Cristo” every day before school, and watching the Left Behind series with my dad.

As I entered my teenage years, I started to question my beliefs. Around this time, my parents were deported to Guatemala, and I struggled with the concept of a loving God who would allow pain and suffering in the world. I entered my “emo” phase and got into drugs. I also started exploring other religions and philosophies and eventually became drawn to the New Age movement. However, I didn’t follow anything then but was interested in it. During this time, I also got myself in trouble and got expelled from High School, which forever changed the trajectory of my life. 

In my early 20’s, I came in and out of faith. At the time, partying, school, and alcohol were my priorities. I still spoke to God and considered myself a Christian, but I honestly was what one would call a “lukewarm” Christian. I spent these early years working and trying to improve my life, but I still struggled internally about my spirituality and who I was.

In 2015, I went on a volunteer trip to Tanzania. This was a very pivotal moment for me in my faith. At the time, I was in a relationship I wasn’t pleased with and felt that my life was missing something. Spending time in Tanzania with no technology, far away from my “real” life, gave me the time to decide to end the relationship. It also made me think about my faith. On this trip, there were a few people who were Mormons. Although I was not and am not Mormon, their kind hearts and faith inspired me, making me think about my beliefs again. I’ll never forget sitting on a hill after an excruciating long hike, and all I saw were beautiful green pastures. I felt like God’s love and peace surrounded me. When I returned from that trip, I started returning to Church, bought Rick Warren’s What On Earth Am I Here For, and started watching Christian videos on Youtube. This time I was finally going to be a devout Christian… but not really. It was honestly short-lived. 

It wasn’t until after my son was born in 2019 that I faced an identity crisis again, and I was desperately trying to understand my purpose in life. Suddenly, I became a stay-at-home mother after quitting the job I worked at for eight years. I NEVER thought I would be a SAHM (I’ll write a blog post about this later). My search for meaning and life’s purpose eventually brought me to my first “Awakener” coach and my ventures into the New Age movement.

For a while, the New Age teachings resonated with me. I found something that I could pick my favorite parts of different belief systems and leave out the parts I didn’t like. I believed in the power of positive thinking and the idea that we create our own “reality.” I dabbled in manifestation magic rituals, womb magic, energy healing, and other New Age practices.

In the New Age, there’s also this concept that because we are one with God, we are God. Because of this, we also have the potential to overcome scarcity and unlock an extraordinary amount of abundance if we learn how to get rid of all our limiting beliefs getting in the way. I didn’t realize it then, but money became an idol, and I was mesmerized by people online who lived extravagant lifestyles by unlocking these secrets of the Universe. (Does The Secret ring a bell?) Anyone could do it, and if they didn’t, it was because they still had a limiting thought getting in the way. In theory, this was awesome.

But as time went on, I began to feel unfulfilled. The more money I spent on trying to heal and heal and heal and heal, the more I felt depressed. It didn’t matter how many crystals I owned or spiritual programs I had done, something was missing, and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I realized that the New Age teachings, while appealing on the surface, ultimately left me feeling empty. I got stuck in the cycle of believing something was wrong with me because I hadn’t achieved that $10k month that so many spiritual business coaches were promising. I became obsessed with “more, more, and more,” so I worked all day to build a “spiritual” social media business. My family life was falling apart, and I fell into a dark depression.

I discovered I was pregnant again in March 2022. Around this time, I started to feel a pullback to Christianity. I saw a few people share testimonies online about finding Jesus again after dabbling in New Age beliefs, and it made me think about my spiritual journey. However, I fought it SO hard. Was I going crazy? How could I hop from one belief system to another and back? Even though I started to see the contradictions in New Age, I wasn’t ready to let go. But God’s whisper was always there. 

I decided to quit working online and give up on building a spiritual-based business three months before my son was born. I went on a hiatus and deleted everyone I followed on Instagram. I needed to reset and listen to my thoughts. What did I believe in because New Age teachings guided me nowhere fast? 

One night, I got an email from someone I had followed for a while who was also “woo” and had a big following online. In her email, she shared her story with Christianity, and she, too, felt a whisper. In this email, she declared her journey back to Christ. This email permitted me to surrender to the whisper that I had been ignoring from God. I then started following Instagram pages on homemaking and watching Youtube videos on the joy and fulfillment a simple, humble Christ-centered home could give you. By my son’s birth, I had felt a joy and softness I hadn’t felt in a long time. My family life was thriving, and my marriage was filled with love again.

For the first time, I realized that all I wanted was to be a present mother for my children and a loving wife, and the part that had been missing from my spiritual journey was a genuine relationship with Jesus. This was a highly different point of view from what I had been following in the New Age for the previous three years. I also put together that the idea that we are God because God created us could not be accurate because we, as human beings, are not perfect and flawed, even those with financial abundance. We are the creation – not the creator.

I began to read the Bible for the first time; the words spoke to me in a way that nothing ever has. I discovered a deeper understanding of God’s love and grace and a newfound appreciation for the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, the only human to ever walk among us who was truly flawless. There I found directions, stories, testimonies, and a guideline for how to live my life. I didn’t have to pay anyone for this knowledge. It was there available to me and to anyone else who was willing to read it for free.

Returning to Christianity took time and effort. I’ve even struggled to publicly come out and share where I am now in my beliefs and had to grapple with my doubts and unlearn some of the New Age beliefs that had taken root in my mind. But as I continue to study and pray, my faith grows stronger.

My journey has taught me that faith is not a one-size-fits-all proposition. New Age was there for me, and it served its purpose during that moment. I now have a strengthened relationship with the Lord because I had to experience New Age beliefs to know it wasn’t for me.

Jesus had been tugging on my heart for so long. I felt it and tried to ignore it and rebelled. So life got darker and more challenging. And finally, my eyes opened, my heart softened, and Jesus awaited me. We all have to find our way; sometimes, that means straying from the path for a while. But no matter how far we wander, God always waits for us with open arms.

Romans 8:38-39 (NIV) “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”